Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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