At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
