He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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