Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize