my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
