No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We left the knife in your bed.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
