took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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