dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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