i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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