The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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