Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
