You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
