I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
