I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
