Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize