i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
