i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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