Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Found the puke drawer
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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