proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
