my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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