I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
