my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
