so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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