i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
