You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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