the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
