my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
