Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm always down for nudity.
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