I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
