Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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