So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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