Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Everyone says I win the strip club
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize