no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
