Need sex. Gaining weight.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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