2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
