I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
