Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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