seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
