mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize