rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
