mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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