if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
