I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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