this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
