We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
