just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Randomize
