oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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