woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
