Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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