My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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