Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
