so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
