dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
People in love make me want to vomit
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Randomize
