He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
