I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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