Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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