how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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