franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
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