I bet he comes in French.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
