I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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